Friday, January 27, 2012

Finding Balance

Today has been an adventure in patience.  David slept pretty much all day but every time he was awake he was a little more communicative.  The lucid moments were only a few minutes at a time but he is a totally different man than yesterday! Or rather he's just a very tired version of normal self.  Outrageous change!  In all honesty we didn't expect him to make it 24 hours and now he's doing much better.

I spent the day talking with our hospice nurses, my pharmacist uncle, tim's nurse sister.  It's amazing that every person I talk to gives me a slightly different answer but they aren't contradictory so I feel like I'm getting as much information as I can possibly get.  Especially since the hospice nurses have told me that it's going to take some trial and error (in the framework they gave me) to figure out what dose of what will work out best for him. The goal being keeping him comfortable and able to be aware of what's going on around him as much as possible. 

I am having a bit of a struggle because I had to make a call to move to hospice because of his pain and inability to communicate yesterday.  We were told they didn't think he would make it through the day and yet here he is.  I know his condition could change again just as rapidly as it has been changing but for now he's ok... so now we're left wondering if that took chemo off the table.  I don't think I really had any choice but I don't want it to screw up his chances of living as long as he can as comfortably as he can.  It's probably not a big of a deal as I've made it out to be in my head, I just feel bad for having to make that decision without him. 

He doesn't really remember anything about yesterday.  That's likely from the Ativan that he was given for the seizures (he hasn't had one since 2:30 on thursday) so I had to explain it all to him. He was disappointed about being on hospice but when I apologized he said, "I trust you".  No pressure, right? I just hope I made the right choice.  If I have to fight for him to stay on chemo while on hospice I will.  i don't know if I will win that fight but I'll fight it as long as he wants me to. 

We've had people bringing dinners the last few nights, I can't tell you how appreciated that is.  It's one less thing to worry about. We can use all the "less worry" we can get!

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