Sunday, June 3, 2012


It feels almost selfish to post about what's going on in our lives right now. It's such a delicate position to be in... The sister, the daughter, the mother, the wife, the friend. Feeling protective of Jesse and family and finding balance in taking care of David and Owen, helping when there's an opportunity to help without overwhelming my parents with "helpfulness". I have to step back and let them go through their own process and have faith that they will call when they need something, and they do which I am grateful for. It's the same consideration they have showed us all year and returning the respect is the best we can do. Although... I'm not a very good leaver aloner and I'm glad they know that about me and are being very patient and graceful about it. I only want to return that in kind.

The reason it feels selfish to talk about how we are doing is because I feel like it should be all about Jesse right now but with everything else going on we just don't have the luxury of focusing all our attention on any one thing. I know no one expects that kind of focus from us but I expect a lot from myself. I have to admit I'm only human and just do my best. Plus, as awful as this sounds, we've been in this edge of our seats position for so long we're kind of taking it in stride. Not to say this is easy... This is the most not easy thing any of us has had to process. We just keep swimming.

Owen is doing ok, he stayed home from school Friday, I don't know when he'll be going back. There's just over a week left and some of that is finals. He kind of thrives on routine so we'll just have to play it by ear. He is handling things like most 13 year olds... avoidance. He asked to spend the night at Tim and Rose's so they came to rescue him from reality. I think that's ok. We had a cute moment yesterday when I was TRYING to have a serious convo with him about how it's ok to talk to us and we're here for him etc etc... When all in one moment we all three realized that Owen is tall enough that I have to look up ever so slightly to make eye contact. I was midsentence when he started laughing, I looked at his feet and David asked if he was standing on his tip toes. He wasn't! He has grown so much this year. Way to diffuse the heartfelt moment!

Now that I think of it my grandpa passed away unexpectedly when I was 15. It was the Saturday before finals week. My heart hurts for what he must be holding in and I wish I could help but he's being so strong and stoic. So much like his father in that way. Sometimes I wonder if it's for our benefit or for his. Nothing about this makes sense for adults, how could it make sense for kids...

David is doing mostly alright. We had a little less than ideal night last night. David started his 5 days of chemo yesterday. I didn't realize it was june first until dinner time when he reminded me so I gave him the pills just before we ate. He's supposed to take it on an empty stomach so a little while later he got nauseous. First time ever with chemo. He got pretty sick but luckily we got some anti-nausea meds into him before he suffered with it too long. It just upset me because I felt like I did something wrong and caused him distress. I have to not beat myself up about it. Tonight I gave him the anti nausea meds with the chemo just in case and took more time before he ate. So far so good. It makes him tired but that kind of means I get more done around the house on chemo days because he takes more naps. LOL. All joking aside I'm glad he sleeps because sleep helps the body rejuvenate and I don't want him to fight it. He also still has a little wound on his toe. I think it's starting to look better, we're hoping it heals up without having to do antibiotics again.

David is planning to be there to celebrate Jesse's life. He said, "Its not the least I can do, it's all I can do.". I feel so blessed that it's even an option.

In fact in the face of everything I find myself being grateful for almost every little thing I can muster... even if it's hard to find the silver lining. Especially when it's hard to find the silver lining.

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