Tuesday, February 25, 2014


I'm still trying to take care of everything that needs taken care of. Changing names on bills, filing paperwork etc etc boring stuff. To add a little extra fun tax season is coming and I need to finish those up (almost done) and then the Visa I use for everything got canceled because of the Target guffaw around Christmas so I got a new card that I have to make sure I update everywhere I use it.

Today I'm feeling productive, probably why I have the energy to write this. That hasn't always been the case since my last post. Things are finally starting to sink in and that is difficult. We'll power through but it slows us down a bit.

The movie Long Kiss Goodnight (geena davis and samuel l jackson) was on the other day so I watched it which is funny because when it came out in the theater I really wanted to go see it and Dave and Tim went without me. Dave said he'd go see it with me too but I was so mad/stubborn about it I wouldn't watch it. It was a couple of years before I finally watched it. It seems silly now, but at the time I'm sure it was the worst thing he had ever done. It's funny the things we see as important when everything else is pretty hunky dorey compared to when things are tough and you let little things go.  ANYWAY. There's a line in the movie that says, "Life is pain. Get used to it."  While I don't think that life is always pain I was struck by the phrase. "get used to it."  Not get over it. Get used to it. It's part of the whole new normal concept. We'll get used to it but right now it just sucks. There's really no better way to describe it. As an aside Dave never went to a movie I wanted to see without me again.  haha

I canceled David's phone today. That was difficult as well but we were paying for it when we didn't need to be. I can still access everything on it via wi-fi but it's just little things like that I like to do all at once so I don't prolong the agony. If I did one thing every day like I was doing before then every day I would have a reminder in my face about it. Not that it's not already in my face but that makes it worse. I wish it was one of those things you can get desensitized to.

So the obituary. I put a longer one in the funeral program and I guess I'll just do a summarized short one in the register guard. They charge you the same as any other classified ad, $25 per inch which is about 20 words per inch, and I could write a novel if they let me so I guess that's how I'll deal with it. I feel less pressure since the funeral has already happened and I'm not on a schedule here. 

One of the benefits of Hospice is that they provide bereavement services after the loved one has departed. (that's so gently worded) The social worker/counselor gave me a visit and it happened to be on the worst day so far. Maybe good timing?  She gave me a chapter from a book about things that happen when you lose a spouse. It was really aimed more at elderly spouses and it was really not at all encouraging for a younger person. About how women tend to spend the rest of their lives alone vs men who get back out there. I'm sure it's helpful for some people but I didn't find it helpful at all. Where are the books about losing someone when you're young. I googled it out of curiosity "losing a young spouse" then giggled at the link that said "How to live after the death of a spouse: 10 steps (with pictures)"  With pictures.  hahahaha I'll say that the watercolor images really weren't necessary or beneficial.

Yesterday I decided to clean the fridge, take out shelves and all that. About halfway through I got irritated and just grabbed my ipod and left for a walk. Didn't have to check with anyone first, didn't have to make sure Dave was ok, just left. I only went 1.72 (yay gps) miles but it was kind of liberating. Of course about a mile in I realized I need new shoes. HA! the blister on my pinky toe isn't happy but I'm glad I could get some of that frustration out. I forget about the exercise endorphines. I need to get back to that. Owen has expressed interest in doing something, like bootcamp, with me. I don't know if we're quite to that point of readiness yet but I don't want to discourage him. Maybe I'll borrow from his motivation.

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